| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|02:29 pm] |
Where do i begin. Where did this go wrong. I feel so lost this time. Im in a place where i know nobody, and i have no-one by my side. I feel that this downward spiral, which has been spiraling down for a while may potentially be at its end. So much has happened since the last time i felt this way. There is no communication, all my feelings have been lost. How could this have gone wrong? Did i do something wrong, did i travel a road i should have never went down. Life has been difficult with you. I have never felt this way before, im constantly upset and depressed. I should have never left everything behind. I should have thought this over. If only you were around, you would have stopped me from making this mistake. I dont belong here. All the odds are against me, they always have since ive been here. I feel so alone. I know what i need to do, and i know what i need to say... why am i so afraid. I have always allowed myself to stay in second place. I have never taken my own feelings into consideration. Am i afraid to? has it been so long a road that i dont know how to stand up for myself anymore. I have allowed myself to be walked over so many times. Ive always been afraid of hurting others feelings. Its a different story now, this is marriage... how do you tell someone that you dont want to be with them, once you've told them you would be with them forever. Did i cause all this. Am i allowing you to turn this on me. My head is telling me to leave, but my heart doesnt want to harm anyones feelings. All this time has been spent, could this be a mistake or a learning experience. I miss everything about my old self. I miss my family. If i could rewind time... i think things would be different. I dont think this would have happened. Where the fuck were you when i needed you. If i ever needed you at a certain time... it was then. Now all i can do is sit here and ponder what happens next. I know i shouldnt be here. There is so much going on outside of the world im currently living in. I wish i was there. Im tired of being the one always looking out. I should be happy for once in my life. Why have i always denied myself that very thing. I should be far away from here. i should be miles away from where im standing right now. I should have never come here. I should have listened. I didnt sign up for something where i would be doing all the work. This has been going on for so long now, that i dont know anything else but this from you. You promise me you are going to change... but it only lasts a few days, and then its back to the same old shit.
where do i go. what do i do.
im so fucked.
i should just throw myself off a fucking bridge.
and see what hurts more. |
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| september. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|11:08 am] |
The days are short
the nights get longer
so much for this broken september
and the night i remember
walking out your door. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|02:25 pm] |
She builds her own satellite
From an old rusted chair
She leaves this old world behind
And the things that she cares
Maybe she's gone
But it won't be for long
What do I know?
Maybe she's found
What we all dream about
What do I know?
She's beautiful and wonderful
I can't compare
It's just not that fair
She builds a strong alibi
From the future that's here
She needs to know I'm alive
And that I'm flesh and I tear
Maybe she's wrong
But I won't mind my own
What do I know?
And their silicone
With a touch of her soul
What do I know?
She's beautiful and wonderful
I can't compare
It's just not that fair |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|10:38 am] |
where has my head gone
Im usually very creative. As of lately, i have this feeling that my skills are leaving me. I really dont know what it is, but i just think somedays, "have i made the wrong move, in my career choice?" Im sure everyone feels that now and again. I dont know if its just stress, or something more than i can even begin to understand. I always used to feel so creative around you. You made me believe i could do anything. Now i am always second guessing myself. I sometimes think that i am a force to be reckoned with, when it comes to my creative abilities... but as of lately, im starting to look at myself in a different light, i feel different, and i think other people are starting to react to me in different ways.
I wonder where i have been all these years. Its like the time has flown by, and ive not grown at all. I wish i could go... to where i dont know... but i wish i could go. I always feel the same. I wish something would bend, and give me some kind of reaction. I have felt like a stone gargoyle my entire life. Ive always been hard and stiff around the edges... When i was with you, that all went away. It was like you softened me to a better life. A better me. Over the last couple years, its like i can feel myself slipping away, i dont know if its slipping away from myself... or who im with. I just know that im not with you. I feel it everyday.
Its starting to get cold again. The cold where you feel all alone inside, if you've got no-one to keep you warm. My body has always been full of warmth, but as of recently... ive started to become cold. Almost bitter. My body hurts.
Where has my head gone, its strange how your not with me, where has my head gone... did i lose your heart key? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|02:28 pm] |
Where to begin...
i have decided to start a new journal, because i feel i have grown out of my old one. In the last 5 years i have changed very much about myself. Who i talk to, associate with, friends with, career moves, married life, and opinions. There are things in my life that have come to pass, that i wish i could go through again... im sure everyone wishes that, but i believe that i fast-tracked my life to the point where i am starting to miss myself. Im begining to miss everything about me. Life has moved so fast these last years that i often wonder, what i would be doing, and where i would be if i didnt allow it to progress at the speed it has. I often wonder about the past and where everything and everyone fit. There are a great many people that have walked into my life just as fast as they walked out... There are people i never gave a chance to... and people i got so hung up on. You always wonder what if i would have done the opposite of what ive done... i wonder where i would be... and who i would be with. I fell in love with a girl, that i dont think loved me for all the reasons i loved her. I have loved many... but i never knew who loved back. I will always wonder what if. What if i was the one you were looking for... what if everything i ever wanted i found in you. What if i made a mistake. What if i rushed things to fast to help myself get over you. what if i loved you, even when i hated you. What if i always knew you'd leave me. How come i left you. Where would i be if you never gave me the confidence i have today. Where am i now... im here without you, always wondering what could have been between us, had i only not followed through with all i am today. What will become of you. I often wonder if you think of me, like i think of you.
if only... |
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under_the_tow's journal